Struggling with Contentment

I'm just being honest here, telling you how I've been feeling lately.

I've had a really hard time being happy with where I'm at, what's going on, and what I've got...

Our local church here is doing a read through the New Testament in 30 days challenge.  It has been a challenge for me, for sure.  My usual "Read through the Bible" group that I'm a part of has had to take a back burner, I just haven't been able to keep up with both.  This week though, as I've been reading through Luke, and seeing the gospel story again, for the 3rd time in 10 days, and hearing the parables again, for the 3rd time in 10 days, I am struggling with my very real feelings.

When they fed all those people on the hill (Ch.9), and then took up baskets of leftovers and it says the people were "full"...I wonder, why can't I be "full" when I feel like I'm lacking in supplies?  Don't I trust that God will multiply what I'm asking for and "fill" me up?

When Jesus tells the disciples how to pray (Ch. 11), and He reminds them that we give our own children and families good gifts, how much more will our Heavenly Father give us, then why am I not content to wait for that gift?

Or, what about the story to the crowd about not worrying about what others have (Ch. 12) and reminding us that the Lord takes care of the animals, the flowers, why wouldn't He provide for us?

And I can't leave out the tale of the persistent widow (Ch. 18) who kept nagging, and asking, and pleading for her share and protection, and just so she would leave him alone, the judge gave her what she wanted.  The moral being, of course, God loves us, and we aren't nagging Him when we continually pray for the same thing over and over again, and He wants to hear from us and He will not delay in bringing about justice...

SO, then why do we feel discontent?

Why do I feel the need to list all the things that aren't fair in my life?

Why do I sit and tell my husband (and my friends) about all my perceived woes?

I did get an answer to prayer and "supply" today...very quickly followed by the opposite happening.

Let me tell you my story ..... We've been having trouble with our truck starting, it's been getting harder and harder to get the car to turn over.  We had a fundi scheduled to come out today, and on the way home from HOPAC music lessons with the kids (where it took me 4 times to get the car to start), I was praying "Lord, just let me get home, just one more time, so we can get the car fixed.  Please Lord, don't let it be too expensive, we can't do one more big bill right now.  Please Lord, have mercy and cover this situation, let it be a simple fix!"  I was concerned, truly I was.  Imagine my gratitude and surprise when the fundi, in about 15 minutes, said the connection to the battery had been loose and that it wasn't charging the battery; but, it was good now.  I asked him what I could pay him for his time, and he said 15,000 tsh, that's about $10.  Wow!  Thank you Lord!  I went in the house on Cloud 9, thankful, joyful, praying in gratitude.

Not an hour later, Indy is home and the Dawasco (water company) bill shows up.  I had just been talking to a friend about water bills and wouldn't you know it...our bill this month is more than 4 times what it usually is.  Ahhh!  This was so not what I was expecting.  I started praying "Lord, please, let this be a mistake. Let Indy be able to handle this if he goes up the main office....."

I was frustrated again!  I was not happy with what is going on, again!

I'm tired of my rattling off my whole long list of things that I wish I could do with my kids for fun, cheap (free) dates before moving here.  I'm tired of feeling like I haven't been making the right kind of friendship connections here...and wondering, what did I do?  I'm tired of being discontent and making mental lists of what I don't have and want to get when we return to the US next summer.  And the list goes on....

I keep berating myself and saying "You need to just make an attitude change, what is wrong with you?  You have plenty of nice things, you have a healthy family, food to eat, a nice house...what are you complaining about...look at your neighbors. Get over this!"

This isn't about being a missionary...this is about being human...about dealing with our very human nature that tends to complain, always looking to have more than what we have or need, and just not being happy with where we're at.  Do we all deal with this, at some point...YES!  I'm sure of it.  If we are truly honest, we've all gone through this, or maybe are going through this now.  What I wonder is why we can't be more open to talk about our struggles, and our real life issues.  Why do we cover them up and pretend like we're all just fine and all is well?!  THAT is what I'm struggling with as well...wanting to find that "realness" in people.